The questions in my head refuse to go to bed,
The enquiries in my mind hesitate to turn a blind eye,
A battle between contentment and the search for more, a fight between the desire to be in the now and the ever wandering flow of rampant, unapologetic thoughts,
A confusion at the amount of decision and choice given to oneself in a world that is going to make its decisions for you,
A deep trust, yet a continuous stampede of questions of what im trusting in,
A mix if a creative, spiritual being and a habit forming animal instinct,
The desire to sit and take in every available space of the joy and abundance given to me in each moment, yet the strong pull of my ego trying to steal my attention,
The complexity of all life, contained in one physical body which is a mere speck of existence in the vast and inconceivable universe in which I reside.
What. The. Fuck. Even. Is. Life?
One thing that I have truly come to realise on my journey (life journey that is) is that happiness is not created by the amount of money we earn or what people think of us (which I am truly grateful to have learnt at such a young age, this saved me many years of potentially wasting precious time searching for external happiness which would never had been granted to me).
To me, it is just a waste of time to base happiness on ones bank account. I feel saddened by the amount of people wasting their lives on the strive for more money and material things to make them feel whole. I don’t think that a person necessarily feel’s complete once they have realised that searching for those external things are not the answer. Because what we humans are truly good at is not being content, always striving for more, it’s part of how we have evolved. That is why I feel gratitude is the most transformational tool to change ones thinking (therefore life journey.) It gives us the ability to come back to our natural states of of joy, awe, and love. Seriously guys, I believe this shit wholeheartedly. I also believe that in life we have to suffer, we must suffer purely because suffering is a part of the whole uncomprehensable thing we call life.
But I believe more in the strength of love, joy and grace over states of anger, guilt and resentment.
I think we are intelligent and spiritual enough as humans to recognise this innate truth of satisfaction not being attained from the external world. Each and everyone know this intuitively. I believe that behind every successful businessman, celebrity and politician who believes that their success defines them, there is a part that knows that this is not their nature. But we hide behind the ignorance of it all, because in a way, it’s easier to live a mundane and fairly predictable life than living a life of truth and humility. The more people who realise this truth, the less people who will be involved in the conformity of unhealthy mainstream media which feeds young minds the bullshit that creates this psychological disease in the first place.
Just because we know this truth of happiness and contentment being an inside job, does not mean to say we shouldn’t work jobs or obtain good educations because otherwise we would be homeless and we need enough money to sustain our own security and wellbeing so we can have the opportunity to live fulfilled lives. But thinking that money and success defines us is where we make the mistake. We can get so caught up in these loopholes so bloody easily! Sucked in by the media and all the fucking bullshit. Am I allowed to swear on here? Getting sucked in by the lies is okay and normal once in a while, as long as we come back to realise that none of that matters, and what really is of importance in our lives.
Thank you for reading my ramblings,
It hasn’t always been that i have felt the urge to write. It started after I had my children and came into true womanhood and felt an array of emotions and thoughts that I couldn’t put into words that i felt ‘the urge’. A longing to make sense of my thoughts and feelings.
When I am having an argument with my partner or any kind of serious topic is provoked with anyone, even ones that I feel passionate about, I struggle to put my thoughts into words. It just feels as though my thoughts are so far away from my speech that whatever comes out of my mouth will not do my opinions justice or sound anything like what I actually think. And most of the time reality does occur like this! I rarely can have a deep conversation with someone where I feel like I can fully express what I mean to say. So when these topics come up all I want to do is say ‘sorry, but I’ll text or write it to you.’ Kind of inconvenient right.
Anyway, so as this fellow who I don’t know much about (E.M Forster) says ‘How do I know what I think until I see what I say?’ Pretty much. When I journal or write about all the good in my life, everything seems to be put a bit more into perspective. Things also seem a lot less all over the place.
So I’m grateful guys! I’m grateful I’ve found a way to express (kind of) what I mean. Because sometimes it’s just so hard to find a voice for my emotions and thoughts when there is the pressure of someone waiting for me to speak? This must seem so strange to some.
But this reminds me of a ted talk I once saw… it talked about finding new words for obscure emotions, in my case this represents to me that sometimes some of us just can’t find words in our minds that we have learnt to describe our emotions. It’s titled ‘Beautiful new words to describe obscure emotions’ by John Koenig. I love it!
My favorite word from there is ‘Sonder’. I have felt this emotion since I was a small child and if was awesome to finally put a word to what I didn’t understand!
I am amazed that when I embrace my so called ‘downfalls/weaknesses’ and allow them to be present without resisting or trying to change them, they not only transform into not being weaknesses at all but the negativity that i associates usually dissipates significantly. How beautiful that when we stop resisting and fighting against the current that we have tried to change for so long and just let it be there this is when everything falls into place.
This remimds me of childbirth. If you resist the contractions/surges they will only become too strong for you to bear whereas if you ride them as if they are waves in the ocean you can relax and be in an empowering and incredible experience of birthing your child. One of the beautiful paradoxes of life. Our minds are so restless and think everything has to be so damn hard, whereas in fact if we allow ourselves to let go of our sense of control, we can feel ease. I am learning this art of letting life be good, letting life be easy. Not an easy lesson for such a naturally restless and anxious mind. There is a secret ingredient I have learnt to be of great importance when it comes to letting things be as they are. The secret ingredient is trust. Some call it faith. Not an easy lesson for a athiest who has never had much trust in anything.
Although, I had experienced fleeting moments of feelings of deep trust and support occasionally in my experiences during deep relaxation being a yoga student and teacher and i knew feeling this way was possible but I always had a limiting belief that to have faith you need to believe in God or follow strict religious guidelines so I kind of always accepted this idea that I couldn’t really experience faith. For the most parts of my life I have always held an almost paranoid view of the world around me, not trusting in my journey and thinking that most people have alterior motives. I know that I gained this perspective of the world from a very young age from various experiences that I can look back on and I can understand why.
For as long as I can remember I have always read books and seeked out self-development information and that is how I stumbled upon great leaders and teachers who didn’t happen to refer to faith as a religious thing but referred to ‘trusting the universe.’ This shifted my perspective of having to fit into a certain type of cultural or religious type to have trust in the process of life. Dr Wayne Dyer talks about how he believes every person comes in to your life for a reason or to teach you a lesson. He also talks about how we may come and go in other people’s lives to teach them something too (sometimes without realising). He also believes that not only our relationships with people teach us things or happen for a reason but that every experience matters too (not only the positive exerience’s, maybe even more so the negative ones because they are the ones with the most power for change).
This man who lived a full life and touched many people’s lives in a positive way explains that looking back on his life, he believes every thing was relevant to teach him certain lessons and that they were all connected to each other. To be honest, I have never really believed that things happen for a reason due to our freedom of choice and I think we choose and create our lives. But this concept of the universe working in mysterious ways that we may not notice opening up certain opportunities for us etc really does resonate with me. Many extremely successful people talk about the law of attraction and that if you really want some thing and believe it is possible the universe will work in your favor to have it. This is so beautiful and i will love that the universe is always for you, helping you create your reality.
What I know for sure is I get the most enjoyment out of life when I live with a mindset that trusts in the process of life, even during the challenging times. Of course sometimes doubt creeps in that i am not supported, but why feed this mindset by living it when it does nothing positive for me or thise around me? So this is my mantra ~ trust, trust, trust.