The battle

The questions in my head refuse to go to bed,

The enquiries in my mind hesitate to turn a blind eye,

A battle between contentment and the search for more, a fight between the desire to be in the now and the ever wandering flow of rampant, unapologetic thoughts,

A confusion at the amount of decision and choice given to oneself in a world that is going to make its decisions for you,

A deep trust, yet a continuous stampede of questions of what im trusting in,

A mix if a creative, spiritual being and a habit forming animal instinct,

The desire to sit and take in every available space of the joy and abundance given to me in each moment, yet the strong pull of my ego trying to steal my attention,

The complexity of all life, contained in one physical body which is a mere speck of existence in the vast and inconceivable universe in which I reside.

What. The. Fuck. Even. Is. Life?

Hope, faith, trust and pixie dust 

I am amazed that when I embrace my so called ‘downfalls/weaknesses’ and allow them to be present without resisting or trying to change them, they not only transform into not being weaknesses at all but the negativity that i associates usually dissipates significantly. How beautiful that when we stop resisting and fighting against the current that we have tried to change for so long and just let it be there this is when everything falls into place. 


This remimds me of childbirth. If you resist the contractions/surges they will only become too strong for you to bear whereas if you ride them as if they are waves in the ocean you can relax and be in an empowering and incredible experience of birthing your child. One of the beautiful paradoxes of life. Our minds are so restless and think everything has to be so damn hard, whereas in fact if we allow ourselves to let go of our sense of control, we can feel ease. I am learning this art of letting life be good, letting life be easy. Not an easy lesson for such a naturally restless and anxious mind. There is a secret ingredient I have learnt to be of great importance when it comes to letting things be as they are. The secret ingredient is trust. Some call it faith. Not an easy lesson for a athiest who has never had much trust in anything. 


Although, I had experienced fleeting moments of feelings of deep trust and support occasionally in my experiences during deep relaxation being a yoga student and teacher and i knew feeling this way was possible but I always had a limiting belief that to have faith you need to believe in God or follow strict religious guidelines so I kind of always accepted this idea that I couldn’t really experience faith. For the most parts of my life I have always held an almost paranoid view of the world around me, not trusting in my journey and thinking that most people have alterior motives. I know that I gained this perspective of the world from a very young age from various experiences that I can look back on and I can understand why. 

For as long as I can remember I have always read books and seeked out self-development information and that is how I stumbled upon great leaders and teachers who didn’t happen to refer to faith as a religious thing but referred to ‘trusting the universe.’ This shifted my perspective of having to fit into a certain type of cultural or religious type to have trust in the process of life. Dr Wayne Dyer talks about how he believes every person comes in to your life for a reason or to teach you a lesson. He also talks about how we may come and go in other people’s lives to teach them something too (sometimes without realising).  He also believes that not only our relationships with people teach us things or happen for a reason but that every experience matters too (not only the positive exerience’s, maybe even more so the negative ones because they are the ones with the most power for change).


 

This man who lived a full life and touched many people’s lives in a positive way explains that looking back on his life, he believes every thing was relevant to teach him certain lessons and that they were all connected to each other.  To be honest, I have never really believed that things happen for a reason due to our freedom of choice and I think we choose and create our lives. But this concept of the universe working in mysterious ways that we may not notice opening up certain opportunities for us etc really does resonate with me. Many extremely successful people talk about the law of attraction and that if you really want some thing and believe it is possible the universe will work in your favor to have it. This is so beautiful and i will love that the universe is always for you, helping you create your reality.


What I know for sure is I get the most enjoyment out of life when I live with a mindset that trusts in the process of life, even during the challenging times. Of course sometimes doubt creeps in that i am not supported, but why feed this mindset by living it when it does nothing positive for me or thise around me? So this is my mantra ~ trust, trust, trust.