The battle

The questions in my head refuse to go to bed,

The enquiries in my mind hesitate to turn a blind eye,

A battle between contentment and the search for more, a fight between the desire to be in the now and the ever wandering flow of rampant, unapologetic thoughts,

A confusion at the amount of decision and choice given to oneself in a world that is going to make its decisions for you,

A deep trust, yet a continuous stampede of questions of what im trusting in,

A mix if a creative, spiritual being and a habit forming animal instinct,

The desire to sit and take in every available space of the joy and abundance given to me in each moment, yet the strong pull of my ego trying to steal my attention,

The complexity of all life, contained in one physical body which is a mere speck of existence in the vast and inconceivable universe in which I reside.

What. The. Fuck. Even. Is. Life?

The urge to write.

It hasn’t always been that i have felt the urge to write. It started after I had my children and came into true womanhood and felt an array of emotions and thoughts that I couldn’t put into words that i felt ‘the urge’. A longing to make sense of my thoughts and feelings.

When I am having an argument with my partner or any kind of serious topic is provoked with anyone, even ones that I feel passionate about, I struggle to put my thoughts into words. It just feels as though my thoughts are so far away from my speech that whatever comes out of my mouth will not do my opinions justice or sound anything like what I actually think. And most of the time reality does occur like this! I rarely can have a deep conversation with someone where I feel like I can fully express what I mean to say. So when these topics come up all I want to do is say ‘sorry, but I’ll text or write it to you.’ Kind of inconvenient right.

Anyway, so as this fellow who I don’t know much about (E.M Forster) says ‘How do I know what I think until I see what I say?’ Pretty much. When I journal or write about all the good in my life, everything seems to be put a bit more into perspective. Things also seem a lot less all over the place.

So I’m grateful guys! I’m grateful I’ve found a way to express (kind of) what I mean. Because sometimes it’s just so hard to find a voice for my emotions and thoughts when there is the pressure of someone waiting for me to speak? This must seem so strange to some.

But this reminds me of a ted talk I once saw… it talked about finding new words for obscure emotions, in my case this represents to me that sometimes some of us just can’t find words in our minds that we have learnt to describe our emotions. It’s titled ‘Beautiful new words to describe obscure emotions’ by John Koenig. I love it!

My favorite word from there is ‘Sonder’. I have felt this emotion since I was a small child and if was awesome to finally put a word to what I didn’t understand!

Jade xxx